We don’t want to sound too controversial here, but we really like pants. Like, really like them. We find ourselves talking to each other about awesome pants more often than Amanda Bynes runs people over with her car (basically everyday).
Recently, our favorite online stores have been feeding the obsession with a fantastic selection of printed pants. If you’re been reading this blog for a little while, not only should you see a doctor, but it should also come as no surprise to you that the only thing we think about as often as what to wear is what to eat. Seeing as we love pairing wines with cheese, and beers with cheese, and pretty much everything ever with cheese, we figured we might as well stop delaying the inevitable and start pairing our pants with food, too.
The Pants: Zara Jacquard Printed Capris, $79.90.
Wear it with: Metallic jacquard is a bold choice, so tone these down with a cozy grey sweater, neutral suede pumps, and understated jewelry. Also, a positive outlook on life wouldn’t hurt.
What to eat: Not much. Nothing highlights your flaws like something shiny and fitted (except your old supervisor). Maybe an apple? We’d advise you to spread it out over the course of the day, though.
The Pants: Zara Printed Trousers, $49.90.
Wear it with: Okay, real talk. These pants are essentially pajamas. Seeing as the majority of your body will feel like it’s still in bed, heels and an actual blouse are a fair compromise. Don’t call us when you wear them with flats and a t-shirt and some dude tries to sell you a gently used Psych 101 textbook and then invites you to join a game of Ultimate on the quad.
What to eat: Lasagna. Or two-thirds of a chocolate cake. Or basically whatever you want, seeing as the loose fit and elastic waist will let you eat the way your mother’s judgmental looks won’t. You’re welcome.
The Pants: ASOS Premium Pants In Ombre Print, $79.16.
Wear it with: Give your holiday cocktail dresses (and their necessary partner-in-crime, full body Spanx) a break! Wear these pants and add a clutch, gold jewelry, and a silky blazer. This will also not-so-subtly show your date who wears the pants in your relationship.
What to eat: Olives. We’ve tried these pants on, and we can assure you there is absolutely no stretch in the fabric. They’re about as forgiving as your last roommate was when she found you passed out drunk “watching” some very expensive on demand pornography (the cable bill is in her name) with a quesadilla on the stove. On fire.
The Pants: Madewell Silk Newsprint Pants, $104.50.
Wear it with: These pants are totally work appropriate when paired with a solid button down and bright skimmers. Not that it matters what your pants look like, seeing as you never get up from your desk to talk to anyone. Okay, maybe that’s just us.
What to eat: A salad. Alone.
The Pants: Joie Floral Printed Cropped Trousers, $318.
Wear it with: Floral pants can get very girly very fast, so toughen these up with a slim t-shirt and a leather jacket. That way, when you start talking about Jon Hamm’s career (seriously, he’s so handsome and so talented and such a good actor and also did you see him on SNL—he was SO FUNNY and he looked so good and man can he wear a suit and his girlfriend is so lucky and it’s so cool that they’re not married and he lives in New York and is friends with all of these awesome comedians and he also directs and did you see that photo of him?!), people won’t immediately groan and walk away.
What to eat: This print will let you get away with a lot of spills—so go ahead and live a little. Wear these to eat those messy pulled pork tacos or hold a glass of red wine while talking about the web of international intrigue that is the McAfee case. What, we’re the only ones that get overly gestural when discussing a scandal involving a violent murder, bath salts, Viagra, South America, a gangster named Mac-10, aerotrekking, and the most well known name in anti-virus software?
The Pants: Club Monaco Sonica Floral Skinny Cord, $139.50.
Wear it with: These printed corduroys are casual enough to wear with canvas sneakers and a t-shirt to run errands on a weekend. And by “errands” we mean go to a bar, order a Bloody Mary, eat some fried snacks, and go home and go back to bed.
What to eat: Jalapeño poppers, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, waffle fries, nachos, and onion rings.